Self journeys can lead to magnificent things, but you have to really be open to it. Beginning can be hard, being open and staying open when the real shit starts to come up, can be even harder. We learn throughout life how to build walls, close ourselves off from others, from experiences and from ourselves. We have to be open to the work. Open through the cycles. Open to life.
I don’t remember the day I learned how to build walls. Maybe the skill developed as a little mixed girl who didn’t feel like she fit anywhere so she started building walls to feel safe. Or maybe it was when my father died and I felt abandoned and alone. Maybe I perfected the skill when I walked away from my life in Michigan with no job, no plan and two kids who I knew needed a different life. Leaving my budding radio career and everything I knew behind. Building a wall between the toxic relationships desperately trying to keep me in a generational cycle of abuse and misery and whatever my new life had in store as a single mother in a brand new place.
I come from a family where women do not put themselves first. They tolerate toxicity. Give power to fear. They never allowed themselves to begin the journey to loving themselves. I couldn’t teach my daughter those ways. I had no idea what to do, how to heal or even how to live. I just knew I had to be open to something different.
Leaving was the first step. I built those walls to keep from turning back. I thought I could just forget about everything from my old life. The walls would protect me. What I didn’t realize was one day I would have to tear down those walls I worked so hard to build to find myself. The walls I built to keep people out, ended up trapping me in. I had to break them down in order to be free. I had to learn to be open.
Love & Light,
There will be things that come up as you do the work you will want to be closed off to. What are your triggers? When you close yourself off to the experience, what are you also not allowing in? What walls do you know you have built? What are they keeping out? What are they trapping inside? Write it all down and start to explore what walls need to be destroyed and what parts of you need to be set free.